Thursday, July 27, 2006

A Girl With Caked Up Makeup

Correct me if I'm wrong, but is keeping AOL in business by video taping B-List celebrities walking from their cars to the clubs every night. I <3 Laguna Beach and Kristin, but Season 3 looks more like the rejects from Super Sweet Sixteen! Three cakeboys with two and a half fauxhawks, and six jawbreaker fugly girls desperately in need of at least three nose jobs! I know the original boys were assholes, but at least they had personality... and these gals aren't even on the same rollercoaster as Kristin and Lo! They make LC look like a princess for christ's sake! Ughs.

I was a camp organizer at work yesterday. Possibly the hottest thing I've heard this summer came from one of the kids' jiggly, sunkissed trophy mommy. Two moms were hanging out with me and my co-pilot, flirting like only unsatisfied married women can... we were incredibly amused because they were doing this with their kids sitting between us! One girl said, "Her grandma is here, we should leave them with her and take you boys out to lunch." I responded with a joke about lobster mac & cheese and she shot back, "Honey, cover your ears. [whispers] Come on, lets go get stoned and go to lunch!" Hottest. Thing. Ever!

Moments earlier she stated, "I was born in l.a., i didn't move here like some pathetic slut, trying to make it as an actress 'cos she doesn't even know how to pour drinks. My boobs are real and I'm thirty six and I'm proud of that!" One hundred times out of a hundred, i would take two 18-year-old girls over one mommy, but she won my heart!... She also was rocking a Missoni skirt, a Louis Vuitton bag, and the shinest braces I've ever seen.

I also love tvgasm on The Hills:

Like OMG! Did you see The Hills last night? There were like these modeling auditions for Teen Vogue, and like LC and Whitney were like totally working at them, and like all these boys in bathing suits had to come in, and like LC told Jason it would be only girls but then Jordan was like "There were boys there!" and Whitney was like "Take off your shirt" and Audrina was like "Let's go to Bella!" and Heidi was like "I love ditching" and Jason was like "There were boys, liar!" It was like total scandal! OMG! I have to tell you about it!


Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Soapy, Squeaky Clean

Lauren Bosworth: How far are you and Stephen away from each other?
Lauren Conrad: Like, five minutes.
Lauren Bosworth: Really?
Lauren Bosworth: I think you guys are gonna get married.
Lauren Conrad: I think we're gonna be best friends.
Lauren Bosworth: That stuff happens, though, you know, like.
Lauren Conrad: I don't wanna marry Stephen.
Lauren Bosworth: Why? He's cute, you'd have pretty babies.
Jen: You would have pretty babies, your babies would be like the popular people at school.
Lauren Conrad: That's sweet.
Jen: They would.

Lo's Mom: Lo it's not a fashion show...
Lauren Bosworth: Every day's a fashion show mom.

Stephen Coletti: [to Kristin] What am I suppose to be? Happy to see you?!

Kristin Cavalleri: Jessica, he's cheating on you! Take it from someone who used to cheat on her boyfriend. Those are signs of him cheating!


Tuesday, July 25, 2006

A Bitch, two ways.

Monday, July 24, 2006

If The World Was a Fair Place Then We'd All See Through This Rose Coloured Lens

I have a three minute conversation every time i share my address:
"Yes, I'm serious, I live on Stoner Ave mom... No, I'm not kidding... No, I didn't choose it, I hate stoners... Yes, it's seriously my address..." and on. I wish it were fairydust lane. I've come home to helicopters circling my block numerous times - a common l.a. occurance - but it makes it incredibly difficult to get to work on time when your next-door neighbor, the head of the Culver City Boys gang, is splattered across the sidewalk two cars away from yours.

I've never met, nor spoken to a single person in my neighborhood with the exception of my roommate and my landlord the day i moved in two years ago. No, that's not an exaggeration. I like my block except for the school bells ringing as I'm trying to sleep and the fleet of motor homes that has been parked in front of my building for the past 7 months.

And I like listening to Bloc Party too... usually with my bff anna (who has two blocks, each much nicer than mine). She's never
actually been to my block. I have trouble with brevity.



Saturday, July 22, 2006

Fuck this shit

So fucking over it. blogging is fucking BORING! I'll be back soon but I haven't done anything blogworthy recently, so either give me a hint or sit tight. This used to be what i was into... weird, huh?

I've never hated Calista! I actually really liked her in BIRDCAGE and she was ahead of her time in caring for her appearence (aka not eating gross stuff, like food!)

Ally McBeal was a sin against women - it seriously single-handedly turned back the feminist movement like 2 decades when it made every chick in america a soaking moist puddle of estrogen.... fine, whatevs. I like her.

postscript - Grey's Anatomy is the new Ally McBeal. Hollis is the new Bakersfield.


Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Better Than The Gas Tank?

So I like to light fireworks on the hood of my car! What?! Does that make you better than me?!


DO be cooler than me whenever possible

My friend, co-worker, apple geek, St. Nicks companion, et al Melisssslisss (pictured like two posts below!) has become a hipster icon. First she was featured on Gawker with the fake David Cross in a meatpacking bar, and now she's officially made it, she's a VICE DO:

Oh Lord. When nerds discover their inner babe and unleash about a decade of unused libido on to the world it makes every hot girl you know seem like a haggard old spinster whose pussy is sealed shut with venereal warts. This girl would be the Fabregé Egg of blowjobs.

All true, but I've been saying it for years.



Monday, July 10, 2006

Do Something That Scares You Every Day

Sorry. This is part of an email i sent to someone early this morning. It wasn't meant for everyone but feel free...

I don't like conan o'brien. I remember seeing the very first episode of Late Night with Conan O'Brien... (i was staying up until 5am, even as a lil kid). I really liked the show and watched it religiously - pretty much every night for the first five years. After that, though, he never seemed to change - he was (and still is) making the same jokes he was making the first time he stepped in front of the audience, and his arrogant self-deprecation became very tedious, so i was over him a long time ago...
However.... I'm a sucker for graduations. I am. They're my weakness (I think I've told you this before). Steve Jobs' address to Stanford last year was incredibly moving, but maybe only to geeks like me. In some bizarre coincidence, my brother's commencement speaker at George Washington University was my commencement speaker at USC the following year. It was painfully anticlimactic and she was remarkably boring - I've was told she gave the identical speech both years, though i was not conscious for my own so I'm not sure. When i was in high school and the internet was a novel concept to most people, a supposed commencement address from Kurt Vonnegut to the MIT Class of 1997 became headline news for the summer. It was known as the Sunscreen Speech and it created a certain cheeriness in a lot of people. It was a hoax (actually written by Mary Schmich as she imagined what she would say if she was approached to give an address), but a great one that reminds me of a carefree time that I really miss...

Conan addressed Stuyvesant High School this year. The first part is not very interesting - a lot of his bad, tired humor - but the second part I think is very good and so if you want, check it out here.

In addition, Mary Schmich's Kurt Vonnegut's Address (reproduced without permission).

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen
would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been
proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no
basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will
dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind.
You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth
until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look
back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp
now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you
really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying
is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things
that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you
at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.


Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with
people who are reckless with yours.


Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead,
sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end,
it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you
succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.


Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with
your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at
22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most
interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them
when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children,
maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance
the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you
do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself
either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of
it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest
instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone
for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to
your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few
you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography
and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need
the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.
Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you
soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians
will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll
fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable,
politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust
fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when
either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it
will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way
of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting
over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.


Sunday, July 09, 2006

Angel City OutCasts

You can't tell, but these kids are standing on a halfpipe about 100 yards from the parking lot at dodger stadium. A russian girl said something like, "this is why i love your country." The rest responded, "America! FUCK YEAH!". Some girl tried to skateboard in her Marc by Marc which was kinda cute, like when a bunny bites you finger.


Some Art, a Tart, a Flat... That's That.

What do you do once you've left the halls of Apple?

Hopefully your departure was for something bigger, brighter, or at least something that actually paid you market price. Typically, however, you realized Apple wasn't going to change, so you had to. However it happened, there's something that we all share in this life after Apple: we love the idea of a great computer and want to move it forward, somehow.

There’s a special way that Apple kills you that you don’t get everywhere. Perhaps it’s because you still love the products, or because you want the company to succeed so desperately, and for the sake of success, not for your job. Either way, you realize it’s not a shared opinion and, well … that’s it, you have to move on...


Sunday, July 02, 2006

Ink Me That Corazon Bro

My step-bro is opening his new tattoo shop in Albuquerque. He threw together this website for the shop, and of course I remixed it. So the question is: do i get a cock tattooed on my fist or a fist tattooed....