Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Chaise Lounge Breaks

Break Chaise Lounges

I kinda don't know... i never intended for this to be a pop culture thing, but this was just too much! We all know mischa was seen snorkeling more than coral on her holiday in hawaii, but what news from yonder window breaks?! She got engaged to k-feds stunt double over the weekend! Damnit. God Damnit! I hope that this guy at least has massive garbage, because otherwise I feel like i may have had a chance... I mean, I think this is gonna have the lifespan of a resilient fruit fly, but still!

I always thought it was weird that all of my loser/deadend friends got married [threw their lives away] right out of high school, and I kinda saw los angeles as an escape from that midamerica myopia, but from britney to nicole to talan to mischa, it seems like [social] suicide really is the new gay!

this week's vocabulary word:

homoengaged (intransitive verb)  To find someone as pathetically self-absorbed and egomaniacal as ones self (a fagsimile) and form a relationship with that person based on a mutual lust for self-destruction. To hold on for dear life, so much so that you would sacrifice your lifestyle and happiness for the comfort of sharing your misery with this other.

In other news, Just Jared says what I've been saying for months (though mostly just to spite cynthia):Kristin Cavallari is the face of HOT in 2005! In the words of steve rubell, if you're here right now, it's only because I love you. laters.



Tuesday, November 29, 2005

If life gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS

Four Roses for Kathy Coco! You go Kathy Coco!


Sunday, November 27, 2005

she puts the sexy in dyslexia

she puts the sexy in dyslexia

kristin is a cutie. LC is just so f-ing ditzy that you kinda gotta love what she's all about. Jessica had the fattest-ass-ever! in the first season, but she really tightened her game, brought it back down to earth and won my heart this time 'round.

But it's no contest. Lo is the one for me. She is everything that i love about life!... in short, everything that I'm not. She's the perfect girl who smokes shrubs once in a while but hasn't moved into that awkward stage where she trades her John Frieda for patchouli and hemp shampoo. She's got that singsongy cadence that makes even the bitchiest, most malefic things sound like sugarplums. She's so adorably sweet... Girls just wanna have fun.


i [heart] pink bush!

i [heart] pink bush!

I have a few things on my wishlist. We'll get to those eventually.
I have a few things to be thankful for... that's a new thing for me (i'm a shithead, get used to it).
Things on your wishlist:

  • a kickass website to love love love!

  • a new design for the holiday season

Done and done (yeah girls, you can steal it and call it your own...)
xoxo bitchez! more laguna and neptune love on the way.

Postscript. This site looks sevenXseven times better in safari than in anything else. I put this futura 2080 xxxmas playlist on myspace like two fucking years ago! Nothing new, but still for real. Feliz Navidad!

  • Christmas in Hollis - Run DMC
    The finest coming together of xmas jingles and b-boy hip hop.

  • All I want for Christmas Is You - Olivia Olson
    From Love Actually. It'll give you a tooth ache ladies!

  • I Heard Santa On The Radio - Hilary Duff
    Santa Clause Lane is one of my top ten albums of all time, it could rock the Gaza Strip

  • Sleigh Ride - Hilary Duff
    I honestly though this song was her original. That's how much I hated xmas music before Hilary.

  • Santa Baby - Ertha Kitt
    The sexiest christmas song of all time. Could turn your chestnuts into lumps of coal.
    bonus points for being the Chrismukkah theme of 2004

  • Baby It's Cold Outside - Louis Armstrong & Ella Fitzgerald
    Zoey Deschanel is not attractive, but sings the shit out of this song in Elf (which is terrible).

  • Holiday Road - Lindsey Buckingham
    Is this technically a christmas song? Yes it is, go fuck yourself.

  • A Charlie Brown Christmas - Vince Guaraldi
    The longest running tv special ever. Most kids' first taste of jazzy music.

  • Merry Fucking Christmas - Mr. Garrison (Matt Stone & Trey Parker)
    I played this for my hindu RA when I was a freshman. She cried. Nuff said.

  • White Christmas - Otis Redding
    Nat King Cole made it a classic. Otis made it filthy. DEAL!

So there ya go...


Thursday, November 24, 2005

Being Pelted with Marshmallows

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Freak me In! Freak me Out!

Freak me In! Freak me Out!

OMG Alex M, right?!

So it's not that she's fisting a bottle of belvedere, that's pure champion, and it's not that she looks like she's spent a lil too much time in Chicago, 'cos haven't we all... but sweetie, please!

She's caressing the shaft like it's gonna kiss her after she swallows! And we all know you have to be a sucker to pay hotspot prices for your swig, but if you're gonna purse the Costco vodka, have the class to take off the brochure around the neck!

Cheers to Alex M though. Good Form.


Monday, November 21, 2005

My Thanksgiving Plans


1) Check into cheap motel with hot boyfriend.

2) Take drugs.

3) Spend all Thursday going from diner to diner for various $12 all-inclusive Thanksgiving specials.

4) Drink, do naughty things.

Repeat steps 2 and 4 until the Monday morning sun rises.


quick e

Not that exciting. yeah.



Asporadic Periods

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Stacy's Dinoventure

Stacy's Dinoventure

Since stacy is toooo cool to write anything, measures are being taken on her behalf!
Stacy and I are both thirteen! DEAL! She got a nemesis though:

a) she looks brittish

2) she smokes

d) she has shitty bangs

5) she goes to usc

11) there is no other stacy!

the end


Friday, November 18, 2005



I just finished reading this book and decided to search for some Google images of Elizabeth Wurtzel (who, by the way, looks like a cross between Fiona Apple and Angelina Jolie) and I found a bunch of different movie posters for the film version starring Christina Ricci. I dunno, I thought they were interesting.


Silky Smoosh

Silky Smoosh

Smoosh is like prussian blue without the white power and mk and ashley without the muppet chic... in short, better than you and ready to take over the world! From their fan website

Likes: Belly Flops and Jumping on trampolines.
Hates: Homework and Math.

Hachi Machi!
Smoosh - Rad (mp3)


Thursday, November 17, 2005

Laguna Beach Lovers Lose Your Lunch

Last Christmas, I Gave You My Heart...

Last Christmas, I Gave You My Heart...

I wanna be this girl...
Okay, really I just wanna be loved, but if that doesn't happen, this girl! I've thought about this many times, and I may have a fetish for mannequins - not like kim cattrall prune-faced urbane white diva oversexed underloved mannequins, but real mannequins. Jim Jarmusch would say that I'm just looking for someone, something to rival my own cold, stoic demeanor, but fuck that, he directed Ghost Dog! Next, please!

New (and sometimes old) for the Holiday Season:
Actual Love, LOVE Actually, Christmas Cheers, Krisztian Jeers, loud-mouth jews, nouveau shoes, hints and clues, vibrant hues, ice cream trucks, creamy fucks, platy-ma-ducks, work still sucks... bouncin' round, sleigh bells sound, gagged & bound, preteen mound... orange leaves, panty thieves, boobs & beaves, joie de vivres, lessons learned, pages turned, bridges burned, fontspace kerned... platinum lochs, bright blue eyes, pretty smile, my perfect girl - maybe not this christmas eve but one day i promise i'll give you the world.



Wednesday, November 16, 2005

I Want To Be Her

I Want To Be Her

My favorite supermodel, Jessica Stam.

I love her because she looks to me like a girl so beautiful she could never, ever be sad.

(This is from Gwen Stefani's L.A.M.B. runway show. It's a collection worth checking out on even if you hate Gwen's guts like I do.)


New Girl Blogger

I have been the "new girl" only once in my life. It was first day of 5th grade in England when my father brought our whole family overseas for work. The professor came in and told us to say our names in alphabetical order. I didn't know where I fit in, obviously, since I didn't know anyone.

When I realized my place had passed, I raised my hand and alerted the professor. He told me I had messed it all up and would have to go at the end. Then he called me a farmer and asked if we had a different alphabet in America. Then he called me up to the front of the class, picked me up, and put me in the industrial-size trash can next to his desk and let the entire class have a laugh at my expense.

I hope this venture as new girl proves to be more successful.

Peace out, homies. Bros before hos.


Saturday, November 05, 2005

Lucky Stars

Lucky Stars

i've been spending a lot of time hating, so this is to sprinkle on a lil love.

  • to the girls who know it's better with glitter

  • to the boys who know the difference between stylish and homo-e

  • for ali larter, before Varsity Blues, when she was just Sean's crush on Boy Meets World.

  • for water balloons, squirt guns, spice girls, and mucho gusto mariachi.

  • to bitch-ass-stacy-face! I'm her #2, which is better than her cameltoooeee sister!

  • andrew always puts things into perspective, but I'm still old.

  • to teen dramadies and whip cream bikinis, they're my only hope.

  • in no particular order: Aladdin, Armageddon (...and i dont wanna miss a thing!), Black Balloon, bouncy balls, Crash, Clueless, Dandy Warhols, division (long & joy), egg nog, [super] ellen, fallacies, fortune cookies, glish, glitter, heroin, hotcakes, ireland, iridescence, junkfood breaks, juxtapoz, killers at one am, kisses on xmas, lickable parts, lisps (purple sparkly ones).

i received a fortune cookie last week that said, "people think you're very smart."
I couldn't have said it better myself.


Thursday, November 03, 2005

Joint Custody

Joint Custody

Is that a kitty in my toga or am I just happy to see you?
I would be happy to see your kitty in my toga. zing.

I tell people that I'm shy and they kinda don't get it. There is only one pictures of me before two years ago - nothing to document ninety-five percent of my life, and very truly I hate [looking at] myself just as much now as ever. But A) it's hard to hide from yourself when you have constant documentation (no excuses), and B) the ladies love a man who knows how to treat a pussy.